The Last Will And Testament Of Rosalind Leigh

Posted on May 7, 2013 by deadthyme

I need to preface this review by mentioning that the circumstances under which I watched this film were not optimal. It is a very thoughtful film, almost entirely comprised of mood and atmosphere, and I saw it in a screening room with a very large man in front of me where I had to lean to the side during the entire running time, and his ear still covered the left side of the screen. It was a bit distracting, and I think it caused me to miss some things that you need to notice to fully comprehend the film. This is a film that can only be enhanced by repeat viewings (which are probably necessary to get it all anyway), so I’ll probably watch it again when it comes out on dvd.

The film, as I said, is full of mood and atmosphere, and is about loneliness, regret, and death. It doesn’t hand feed or spell anything out to the audience, and lets you draw your own conclusions. Those who don’t appreciate thoughtful, slow moving mood pieces will definitely not like this very much.

It’s about an antiques dealer who’s estranged mother has passed away and left her estate to him. He comes to stay the night in the house, and discovers that her level of religious fervor (which had contributed to his estrangement and caused some anxiety issues in his life) had reached fever pitch, and she had fallen in with a cultish group. Most of the movie is him exploring the house and discovering things related to this group and his mother’s obsession with them, as well as her insistance on him accepting salvation. Vanessa Redgrave voices his mother (in voiceover- she’s never really shown), and is the main voice we hear throughout the film.

As the night goes on, strange things begin happening- he starts seeing things, having bad dreams, and feels a presence. He’s not sure of it’s in his head, or real. He finds a secret room and angel statues everywhere. He begins to think his mother might be reaching out to him from beyond the grave, trying to tell him something. A neighbor stops by to warn him that there is ‘an animal’ that has started coming out of the woods at night that is hurt, and may be dangerous. His anxiety attacks start getting worse, and he begins to feel paranoid and stalked by the creature the neighbor warned him about.

The film is beautifully shot, and evokes strong feelings of loneliness as well as creepiness. Not a lot happens throughout most of it (with the exception of a stretch in the middle with the above mentioned ‘animal’), and no answers are definitively provided. I’m not totally sure how much I liked it, and will need to watch it again. It made me think of two other movies to some extent- the Woman In Black (2012), which I liked a lot, and Antichrist (2009), which I did not like much at all. At any rate, the skill in the direction (by RUE MORGUE magazine founder Rodrigo Gudiño), acting, and cinematography cannot be denied, and the haunting atmosphere and sorrowful mood it evokes is very well done. It’s not like most other horror movies (and is not for everyone) but if you’re into filmmakers like Brad Anderson (Session 9, The Machinist) you’ll probably eat this up.

The Lords of Salem

Posted on April 22, 2013 by deadthyme

Before watching The Lords of Salem, I had seen 5 Rob Zombie movies. One was good, one was ok, and 3 were dopey messes filled with goofy plots and terrible dialogue- you would think Zombie could craft a great horror movie, since he seems to know so much about the genre and be into so many awesome movies, but instead it made him churn out a bunch of soulless big budget movies in which he steals elements (and even whole scenes) from other, better movies and haphazardly patches them together in his, whether they fit or not. You can always tell what classic movie made him say “That’s cool- I’m going to put that in my movie, but make it more like a rock video!” about. His characters were mostly over the top cartoon caricatures (but not really fun or entertaining ones like in movies such as Tales From the Crypt- Demon Knight or The Toxic Avenger or Street Trash– Zombie’s over the top cartoon caricatures were goofy and tedious and eye rollingly one dimensional. Until he tried to install a little pathos, which made it even more ridiculous (with the exception of Annie from the Halloween movies, maybe)).

Kurt Cobain back from the dead and in a black metal band

So how does The Lords of Salem stack up? I had high hopes after hearing that this is a more reserved Zombie, that he was trying to be more atmospheric, more like Ken Russell or Alejandro Jodorowsky, which could have turned out disastrous, but actually is not bad at all. It’s true that this is a bit more of a reserved Rob Zombie in a lot of ways (he still can’t help but indulge in some goofy shit, but I guess that’s just him, and at least it’s kept to a minimum here). When it started off with a bunch of witches terribly overacting and quoting MERCYFUL FATE lyrics, I was convinced that this was going to be another ridiculously silly and terrible Zombie goofathon. But then something happened: some actually realistic and likeable characters were introduced, and partook in some realistic scenes that didn’t look like something a hyperactive teenager on pixie sticks would throw together after watching a bunch of ’70s horror movies (tho he does still definitely wear his influences on his sleeve- the whole thing has a strong feel of Kubrick’s The Shining throughout (tho since he ripped off an entire scene from it in The Devil’s Rejects almost shot-for-shot, this is still an improvement), as well as Rosemary’s Baby, the above mentioned Russell and Jodorowsky, and of course the cunting The Exorcist).

The story: a coven of witches in 1600s Salem are up to no good, meeting in the woods, chanting and getting naked and overacting and doing evil witchy type stuff, when Nathaniel Hawthorn decides to put a stop to it (perhaps after he saw them all naked- the youngest one is probably 500 years old, and yes, they all get naked). Cue the Salem Witch Burnings.
In modern times, we are introduced to Heidi La Rock (Sheri Moon Zombie, who was a fairly limited actress who Zombie tried to shoehorn into every movie he’s done, with crappy results; however she does very well here- I don’t know if her acting has improved or the role just suits her better), a DJ on a Howard Stern-esque radio show (along with fellow DJ’s Herman (Ken Foree) and Herman (Rob Zombie lookalike Jeff Daniel Phillips)). She lives in an old apartment building in Salem run by a sweet, motherly older woman (I’m sure most any horror fan can tell you where this is headed). The radio show has guests on (including the vocalist of a black metal band called Leviathan, played by actor Torsten Voges in another over the top/ overacting scene, however since a good many of the real black metal band members I’ve seen actually act similarly, we’ll give Rob a pass on this one. It’s unclear if he knows there’s a pretty well established black metal band called Leviathan out already), and one night author Francis Matthias, who has written a book about witches and black magic and Salem’s history, appears on the show. It just so happens that on that same night, they decide to play a record on the air that Heidi received in the mail from a mysterious band named The Lords, which causes a bunch of the women in Salem who hear it to go into a trance, and Heidi to begin having visions and nightmares and eventually wig out. This leads to her meeting her landlady’s two sisters (played by Dee Wallace and Rocky Horror‘s Patricia Quinn, who both seem to have a lot of fun with their rolls) and a confrontation with the ultimate evil. Or something.

WTF?!

Now don’t get me wrong- just because I said it was better than most of Zombie’s other output, don’t think that means it’s not a rip-roaring bunch of goofy nonsense, mumbo jumbo and silly claptrap (it may actually have MORE of that than some of his other movies), however the likable and believable characters, great acting (minus a few above mentioned overacting bits), and in particular the overall atmosphere and feeling of darkness and dread save it. I am a sucker for a good atmosphere- even if a movie isn’t that great, if the director can build and sustain a nice atmosphere of whatever feel they are trying to convey, it goes a long way with me. The music is really ominous in this too (done by Zombie guitarist John 5), but not in a cheesy way. I like it.. So, even with the nattering witches, mutant bear from Prophecy looking devil, fairly predictable story, surprising lack of gore, jump-cut nonsense, and at least one laughable scene where I’m not sure exactly what’s going on (but it looks like Heidi might be playing a video game with a really bad looking (see above pic) overcooked Ginger Bread Man devil’s tentacles or something), the goofiness doesn’t cave in on itself halfway through it all and bring the whole thing crashing down like most of his other movies. Bravo.

As I said, he didn’t cut out ALL the goofy shit…

A bunch of scenes (including ones with a lot of Zombie’s signature horror movie personality cameos, such as Sid Haig, Camille Keaton, Barbara Cramptom, Udo Kier, Michael Berryman, and Richard Lynch (who died during the filming, which is one reason Zombie had to cut out several unfinished scenes he was in)) were cut out, which probably improved the movie. I do think I recognized DR. KNOW singer Brandon Cruz in a small role, tho.

In order to prepare for this movie, you should get in the mood by watching one (or more) of these:

Mark of the Devil (1970):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAHGq-6d9aE

Susperia (1977):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MecSlkWMHPY

Rosemary’s Baby (1968):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otPyEsObI1M

The Devils (1971):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPConeKY3WA

The Holy Mountain (1973):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHiA3w6Y3KA

Plus maybe The Shining, The Exorcist, The Conqueror Worm, and The Omen (not the remake).

Have a devil film festival! You’ll be glad you did…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq4zbZ3ULaU

Senil Nekrofil #2

Posted on April 17, 2013 by deadthyme

Senil Nekrofil was a ‘zine from Sweden that focused on the extreme of extreme music- grindcore, noisecore, and the heaviest of death metal (the editor didn’t even like TERRORIZER!). It had an appealing layout that looked like a little more care and work was put into it than most desktop publishing ‘zines, and included a bunch of interviews and a few music reviews (most ‘zines were the other way around), plus a few movie and ‘zine reviews and a very small bit of commentary. There were larger ‘focus’ pages on certain bands as well (longer than the little blurb reviews), and overall this was a pretty cool little half-sized ‘zine. Not much else to say, except check some of it out below…

European Trash Cinema Vol. 2 #1

Posted on April 11, 2013 by deadthyme

European Trash Cinema was a pretty long running ‘zine put out by my neighbor Craig Ledbetter which focused on sleazy trashy action, horror, and erotica films (as well as other independent, low budget type films- westerns and even dramas and romances) from Europe (NO American films allowed).
It started off as a few photocopied pages, but by the time this issue came out, it was digest sized and professionally printed (it would later come out as comic book sized and in color).
It differed from other underground ‘zines in that it featured a lot of different reviewers and writers (instead of one or two people doing it all- this issue even included a review by Steve Bissette), and was mostly just reviews at this point (plus they’d feature an underground European director’s discography each issue- remember that at this time, there was no internet or internet movie database- we counted on resources like this to inform us on hard to find foreign directors and movies (lots of which were released under different names and pseudonyms) ), but they started doing bigger features and interviews later.

This issue was very Joe D’Amato (who editor Ledbetter calls a “hack”) centric (including several Emanuelle reviews and a filmography).

I planned on putting this up last week for a remembrance of Jess Franco’s death (yes I know Jess wasn’t featured in this issue, but he was covered in several issues of ETC, and is the exact example of the type of filmmaker they focused on), but for varuous reasons didn’t, so here it is now:

The Evil Dead remake

Posted on April 4, 2013 by deadthyme

I’ll swallow yer soul!

Howareya?

Should you bother? The short answer: No.

The Evil Dead remake is not a bad movie, or even a bad horror movie (and by that I mean if you have never seen a horror movie before you might like it ok. It might even thrill you). It’s just tedious and unnecessary. If you’re even mildly familiar with horror movies, this one will have you rolling your eyes at several points, as every single horror movie cliche is trotted out en mass. There’s not really a single original, clever, or interesting moment to be had. The nods to the original just make you want to watch it again, and the blood and guts, tho plentiful and well done, are nothing you haven’t seen before. It’s really too bad.

I’ve seen about half of the horror movie remakes that Hollywood has been churning out since the Night of the Living Dead one (way back in ’91). Some of them are horrendously bad (Black Christmas), some are ok (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, The Omen), but most are just blah, and all have been uninspired and unnecessary (well, except John Carpenter’s The Thing, of course).

So why waste my time going and seeing this one? I haven’t gone and seen hardly any of the others in a long time.
Really there was only one reason: the heavy involvement of Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell, and Rob Tapert. I love all 3 of the other ones (I’ve probably watched Evil Dead 2 more than any other movie ever made), and I was hoping it might be inspired and clever. I was hoping it would turn out to be a prequel or something, maybe add something to the existing trilogy. Elevate the experience. But it did not. It’s just another bland possession movie and remake in a sea of remakes and possession movies (tho I must say, I haven’t seen Haunting In Connecticut, The Last Exorcism, Sinister, Possession, The Devil Inside, Insidious, etc, but I’ll bet the Evil Dead remake has more balls than any of those PG-13 ones that are coming out in droves, needing to be shot in the head like mindless zombies)- that’s about the only thing that sets it apart from the pack The high amount of gore. But it takes more than that- we need style, intelligence, cleverness, originality, or at least some chaos and over the top zaniness).

So go see it if you must, but be warned: if you typed “generic horror movie script” into a computer, it would probably come up with this very movie.

Oh, and if you want a final eye rolling moment, wait until after the credits for a small condescent for fans of the original.

Phoenix Militia #8

Posted on April 4, 2013 by deadthyme

This was Bill Steer’s (from CARCASS/ NAPALM DEATH at the time) old ‘zine (and the cover was done by Jeff Walker, also from CARCASS (and who did NAPALM DEATH’s Scum album cover).

Bill and his fellow editor Pek did a fine little ‘zine which featured a lot of crust/ stenchcore bands, as well as death metal, thrash metal, black metal, hardcore, punk, and grindcore. They would do several lengthy interviews each issue, plus several shorter interviews and few mini interviews. They’d also do a bunch of shorter demo/ record/ and ‘zine reviews, plus a few slightly longer features on bands they liked. They asked a lot of political and social questions (particularly a lot about veganisn) and a lot of more intelligent questions (rather than the usual questions most ‘zines asked). They also didn’t have many ads in their ‘zine, unlike most ‘zines of the time.

I think this was the last issue they ever did…

Jess Franco May 12, 1930 – April 2, 2013; R.I.P.

Posted on April 3, 2013 by deadthyme

Jesus “Jess” Franco, the beloved and extremely prolific Spanish producer/ director/ actor (usually all on the same movie) has passed away due to stroke-related complications. He would have been 83 next month.

Though he’s responsible for well over 150 movies, he’s best known for his many entertaining sleazy grindhouse exploitation and horror movies….

May he Rest In Peace.

Let’s talk zombies…

Posted on March 31, 2013 by deadthyme

There is currently an obsession with zombies that might be on it’s last legs now, however it’s bred so many sub-par and mediocre zombie movies and pop culture references that some people (me included) are ready for a moratorium on them for a few years.

The Walking Dead (which, admittedly, is a good show, tho the comic is a little better) has ushered in a new era of unprecedented zombie love (tho the build-up to zombie overdose has been going since before it started).

I’m constantly asked by people what my fav zombie movie is, and I constantly see people renting and buying terrible, sub par, or (worst of all) boring zombie movies thrown together to make a buck off the craze.

So, to celebrate this day of the most famous zombie to rise from the dead of all time (Easter), I’m going to list my top most fav zombie movies that came out before the zombie craze of the 2000s (so no Zombieland, Shawn of the Dead, Cabin In the woods, etc., great as they may be) , with the exception of George Romero’s oeuvre (because you’ve all already seen all of them, RIGHT?) as well as some that you just need to see if you’re a zombie fan and haven’t. So, in chronological order…

one of the first cinematic zombies?

1) Frankenstein (1931) and Bride of Frankenstein (1935) probably don’t totally count, but I’m listing them anyway because they are excellent movies and classics (and much better than the atmospheric but ultimately fairly boring White Zombie (1932)).
2) Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things (1973)- in the commentary, the writer says “I’d taken a whole bunch of friends to see Night of the Living Dead and we’d decided we were just going to rip it off, only this time in color!”, and that’s pretty much what they did, except they mix in a strong Hammer studios feel to it as well. Really, the main reason I’m listing this one is because of it’s historical relevance- it has a quirky charm to it, and does evoke a good atmosphere at times, but it’s also very slow moving, and the characters (esp the main character Alan) are pretty annoying and grating to watch. It concerns a group of actors who go to a graveyard to rehearse a movie, and they bring along a real corpse to act with. They perform a ritual to bring back the dead on him (among other disrespectful actions) which seemingly doesn’t work, then retire to an old house to bitch and argue and do weird things for awhile. At some point the movie finally picks up when it’s revealed that the ritual just took longer than usual and didn’t just bring the one corpse back to life, but the whole graveyard full of them! The movie is pretty damn good from that point on, and is a necessary watch for zombie completists. It was directed by Bob Clark (Black Christmas, A Christmas Story, Porky’s).

3) The Living Dead At the Manchester Morgue (aka Breakfast At the Manchester Morgue, Let Sleeping Corpses Lie) (1974), is a pretty well put together and ambitious story for an early ’70s low budget horror movie. Two outcast/ hippie types are suspected of some Manson clan-esque crimes by the bitter inspector of the police department, but it actually turns out to be the acts of zombies brought back to life by chemical pesticide. The zombies are still the Romero-style not so gory looking ones (tho they are a bit faster), and the gore isn’t over the top (tho still more graphic than NOTLD). The characters and story are more interesting than most low budget zombie movies, and an actual star (Arthur Kennedy of Lawrence of Arabia fame, among many more) is in it.

4) Zombie (also called Zombi, Zombi 2, and Zombie Flesh Eaters) (1979)- definitely one of my topmost favs of my favorites (along with Return of the Living Dead and Dellamorte Dellamore (see below)), this movie oozes atmosphere and horror. The zombies are the coolest looking there are, caked in mud and blood with wriggling worms and maggots hanging off their faces. The story is about an island being slowly overrun by zombies and a doctor who is trying to figure out what’s going on. His daughter travels from New York to find him, and unfortunately for her, does.

The movie is permeated with a mood of hopelessness and decay, and the gore is quite graphic- there’s a scene of close up eye trauma (with a splintered piece of wood no less) that doesn’t flinch, many flesh ripping scenes, and even a fight between a zombie and a shark. A company called Arrow just released it last year (under the title Zombie Flesh Eaters) on blu ray and dvd uncut with loads of cool extras and in a metal box, so look for it.

5) Gates of Hell (aka City of the Living Dead) (1980)- Truthfully, I’m not a huge fan of this movie, but am including it because I know so many people who would call me a blasphemer if I didn’t include it. Done by Lucio Fulci (same guy who did the last movie on this list Zombie), this one is pretty silly and kind of confusing (truthfully, it doesn’t make a lot of sense). A priest (I think) hangs himself, which opens the gates of hell. Zombies attack, gore flies rampant (including the famous drill to the neck scene), and a couple of people (including a psychic) scramble to close the gates. Entertaining but not a fav.

6) Burial Ground (aka Burial Ground- The Nights of Terror) (1981)- here’s the third Italian zombie movie in a row, and another good one. I actually watched it recently after having not seen it in awhile, and it’s a little slower than I remembered, but still the horror creeps along and catches you eventually. A beardy professor unleashes a horde of rotting, wormy zombies (the effects were done by Gino De Rossi, the same guy who did Fulci’s zombies in Zombie) who converge on a group of hipster socialites who he invited to his mansion before becoming zombie chow.

The director really tried to ape Zombie, even copying the pierced eyeball close-up (tho with a shard of glass instead of a splinter of wood) as well as the look of the zombies, but he doesn’t quite attain the sense of dread that Fulci does. He does pull off a lot of creepy scenes, however, including one in which an extremely homely and creepy looking little kid (played by a dwarf in real life) wants to nurse from his Mom (he’s supposed to be like 8 or so) in a kind of incestuous implication, and she slaps him for it. later on when he comes back from the dead she’s so happy to see him that she lets him, and of course he bites her nipple off in gory detail. Highly entertaining.

7) Return of the Living Dead (1985)- another topmost fav of my most favs, this movie is pretty much pure mayhem from beginning to end. This is one you just need to take my word for and watch if you haven’t seen it- it’s awesome. A couple of working class slobs release a poisonous gas that makes the dead come back to life, and have to team up with some ’80s punk rockers and the yuppie owner of the company they work for to survive. These zombies, in a twist not seen before, are fast and indestructable (we’ve since seen fast zombies, but this was the first movie I saw with them in it) and they even talk. The movie mixes humor and gore (not in a cheesy or annoying way, but very well done, which isn’t accomplished very often) with horror and a good story, and goes over the top in a lot of scenes. It was co-written by two of the guys who helped out on the original NOTLD.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wylpeAXYcBQ

8) Re-Animator (1985)- Another over-the-top gorefest from 1985, this one concerns an old fashioned mad scientist trying (and succeeding) to bring the dead back to life and his roommate. The pace is slightly slower than Return of the Living Dead, but it’s still a mayhemic movie full of horror and black humor. It’s another one you just need to see if you haven’t. Jeffrey Combs became a cult star because of his excellent performance as the determined and demented Herbert West. It’s supposedly based on an H.P. Lovecraft story, but the connection is tenuous at best. It includes the infamous ‘getting head from the dead’ scene as well…

9) Dead Alive (aka Braindead) (1992)- This was Peter (Lord of the Rings) Jackson’s third movie, and quite a doozy! It’s possibly the most violent movie I’ve ever seen- super bloody and over the top. Imagine the gross-out craziness of something like Ren and Stimpy transported into a zombie movie, and you’d have an idea of what this is like. The story is about a guy and a girl who fall in love, however the guy’s mother is an overbearing control freak and while trying to sabotage their relationship gets bit by a ‘Sumatran rat monkey’ (claymation) and becomes zombified. Soon the whole town is overrun by zombies and our protagonists have to try to survive. Includes a scene where a horde of zombies get mowed down by a man holding up a lawn mower. Fast paced and bloody fun.

10) Dellamorte Dellamore (aka The Cemetery Man) (1994)- Another of my topmost favs of my favs, and another offbeat, crazy one. The plot concerns a man who attends to a cemetery (and his helper) where the corpses rise a second time after they are buried. The movie is pure atmosphere, and attains an almost fairytale like quality. The scenes and cinematography are masterful, the violence and storyline once again over the top (absurd in places) and full of black humor. It takes several twists and turns before the strange ending, and main star Rupert Everett flirted with A-list celebrity status for a short while in the late 90s. Directed by Michele (The Church) Soavi.

Most real horror fans have probably seen most of these (or at least heard of them), and there are a lot of more obscure ones I could have mentioned (the Blind Dead series comes to mind), but this is a good list for casual fans who want to watch a good zombie movie but are having trouble distinguishing between the good, bad, stupid, and boring masses of zombie movies available to rent, buy, or watch online.

Happy Easter…

Exploitation Retrospect #37

Posted on March 28, 2013 by deadthyme

Exploitation Retrospect was a long running digest-sized ‘zine that was pretty small (page wise) but came out fairly frequently. The writing was very well done and witty; an enjoyable read. The name makes it sound like another underground extreme horror/ exploitation/ grindhouse type ‘zine, but that’s a little misleading because it mostly covered action and horror movies (mainstream and more offbeat ones) and alternative/ punk/ “college rock” music. Sometimes it included other commentary such as book reviews or political commentary (usually with a somewhat (but not overly) conservative bend to it).

This issue has an interview with Zoe (Ms. 45) Lund, the editor’s ‘Best (and worst) of 1992’ lists, a DANZIG show review, a Sin City comic review, movie, music, and ‘zine reviews, letters (including one from early horror ‘zine publisher Dave Szurek sharing his disgust (shared by the ER editor) for Henry Rollins and a dislike for Alan Funt and Candid Camera (which ER had an article about in a previous issue) as being an intrusive bully (one wonders how horrified he must be by the current state of reality television and privacy invasion)), and a political article (“American Me”) that makes some good points but still comes across as sounding a bit like your kind of rednecky annoying old uncle bitching about the state of the world, and seems a little out of place in an exploitation movie ‘zine that favors punk rock.

But overall ER was a very entertaining read and another fixture in the underground movie ‘zine community.

Godvomit #2

Posted on March 24, 2013 by deadthyme

Godvomit #2 was not near as big as #1, but it was twice as sick. A lot of people were offended, and I always wondered how they could take something so silly so seriously (I cringe looking at some of it because of how goofy it is). Looking back, I guess it did have a lot of over-the-top and disturbing things in it (I’d probably get arrested for putting it out nowadays, since everybody is scared of everything), but it was the early ’90s and we were all trying to out-offend each other. I put a lot more art and comics in this issue, and started doing smaller, one page interviews with some bands (which was my answer to a lot of music ‘zines who would do one page ‘features’ or biographies on bands- usually just reprinting or rewording their press sheet which I was never a fan of).

I put the first issue up as a PDF, and some people said it took too long to load up on their computer, so I’m doing this one like all the other ‘zines I’ve done, and just putting images of the pages up (except it’s the whole thing). You can, of course, click on them to make them bigger.

Interviews in this one with CORPSEGRINDER, BATHYM, DR. SHRINKER, DISHARMONIC ORCHESTRA, NOCTURNUS, SUPURATION, EYE GOUGER, and CREMATORY (which I think is the least amount of bands I interviewed in any issue except the half size #8).

Needless to say, VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED, NO ONE UNDER 18 (or really no one at all) SHOULD READ THIS…